Bittersweet

Yesterday was my postpartum checkup after having the twins. I have been looking forward to that appointment as the official last step in my surrogacy journey, but seriously couldn't believe it had been 5 weeks already. As always, meeting with Dr. Fitzhugh gives me plenty to think about; that man is amazing. First thing he said was "So, you ready to do it again? You know, give it a month or so." What??? Are you insane?? As much as I love being pregnant, I am done! With pregnancy AND surrogacy :) I loved it, but I always knew it was something I would only do once because I felt I was meant to do this for the couple I worked with. So the checkup was good, according to him I am "perfect" and in great shape (ahhh, music to my ears). I have the green light to resume normal activities and have a clean bill of health. Yay!! And then he says "Your uterus says you should have another one. It is in great shape, you shouldn't retire it yet!" Ok, seriously Dr. Fitz, you're killing me.  Russell and I have already made the decision (a while ago) that we were happy with two. That is part of the reason I did the surrogacy: I love being pregnant but we didn't want to raise any more children. We still feel that way. More than anything, it is a practical decision because children take money and time, two things we don't have in unlimited supply. If our situation were different, say we were independently wealthy, we would have another child. But we aren't, and neither of us want to struggle to support our family or sacrifice the things we can do now as a family. We can afford to take trips with our kids, go on vacations, eat out when we want, buy the kids the things they want. We don't have a lot, but we get by with a little bit of budgeting and planning. A third child would change that balance.

As I was leaving Dr. Fitzhugh's office, I have to say I was a little wistful. I got a little teary. I was reflecting on a closing chapter, the end of my time in my life in which I have borne children. I will never be pregnant again. I will not feel the swell of my belly with a child growing inside. There won't be those sweet tender breastfeeding sessions ever again. No new baby smell. No empowering birth experiences again. And I am totally ok with that decision. I am not second-guessing it. But I believe every woman has to honor the passing of that time in her life, and this is how I choose to do so. By acknowledging it, putting it out there for the world to see, embracing the bittersweet feelings. I HAVE never and WILL never do more important work in my life than the work of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood.