I think most of us are familiar with the Mommy Wars, that annoying issue where moms judge other moms. I have tried really hard to stay out of that mess, both by keeping my mouth shut in regards to how other people parent and also by closing my ears to others' criticisms of how I parent my children. I have tried to be less judgmental of others in my old age. So the Mommy Wars tend to roll off my back these days. This post however, is about a different, more damaging war. The war I wage on myself as a mom.
I am constantly and forever trying to be a better mom. Always, every day, asking myself how I can do a better job. Which isn't a bad thing; until you take it to MY level. Am I being patient enough? Firm enough? Supportive enough? Fostering their independence while still assuring them I will always be here? Encouraging their interests? Am I yelling too much?(yes) Do I work too much? Not enough? Pretty much each day has a new problem and a new issue, and I usually come to the same conclusion: I am failing. Maybe not in huge ways, but I am failing. I am somehow missing the mark. I need to be a little bit better at this, try a little bit harder at that. Roy isn't eating a good, balanced diet- FAIL. I yelled at Stella for not following directions-FAIL. I didn't take that position on the PTA-FAIL. I couldn't take out the trash, fold the laundry, do the dishes, check the homework-FAIL. I find myself on my knees, saying my prayers, begging God to help me be better, yet falling into the same patterns I try so hard to break.
I'm tired of promising myself that I will do better.
I am tired of trying to pay penance for my perceived failings. Goodness knows, I am NOT close to perfect. I screw up all.the.time. But I have recently come to the conclusion that the fact that I am constantly trying to improve means that I have the right attitude. It means I'm doing SOMETHING right. It means I give a shit. It means I will not settle, I will always strive to do better. And ya know, I think it sets a pretty good example for my kids that I always set new goals and do my best to achieve them.
So no more penance for me. That doesn't mean I won't judge myself every single day. And I'm sure I will still find myself lacking more often than not. I do have high standards. But I think I can stop saying the Hail Marys.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
Gratitude
So Russell and I have been struggling recently, as a lot of parents do, with the concept of gratitude. Our kids are sweet, loving, generous children, but they are still kids. They tend to want what they want when they want it. We have always made it a point to do family prayer every night in which we all list something that we are grateful for. We donate toys and clothes regularly, we pay tithing to our church and our kids both say Please and Thank You without having to be prompted (usually). However, we have been going through this phase recently where they CANNOT go anywhere without asking for something and being quite difficult when we say no. I have NO problem saying no. I'm sure my kids are sick of me saying no. But we have been feeling a bit beat down by the sense of entitlement and expectations our children have been exhibiting. Not acceptable. We are constantly expressing gratitude for our lives, our children, our house, our extended family, etc., but our kids seemed to be missing the point. Trying to keep realistic expectations, since they are only 4 and 6 and being somewhat self-absorbed is totally normal, we knew we needed to make some sort of change.
Then I came across a blog post about a mom dealing with the same issue. After being fed up with her daughters never being satisfied with anything, she got rid of ALL of their toys. ALL of them. She limited their screen time to a couple of hours per WEEK. And shockingly, after only a few weeks, her children stopped asking for things. Just stopped. Every so often, she would allow them to earn a toy and they would then be entertained by that one toy for hours and hours. Even on vacation, they didn't beg and plead for crap from the gift shops. Mad props to this family. Now I am not going to do this with my kids, because I don't think I need to. But we have made some big changes and after just a couple of weeks I have noticed a difference.
We started with reestablishing our rewards chart, in which the kids get stickers for completing chores, trying new foods, getting good school reports and doing acts of service. They have to get certain amounts of stickers to earn certain privileges. Then I went through and gathered 6 bags of toys and clothes and books to donate to charity. 6 bags. This on top of the quarterly donations that we already do. Boy did they have a lot of crap!!! Finally, we limited their TV to one show per kid each day. Sometimes we fail on that one, but limiting screen time more has totally helped. They are playing together more, drawing more, playing more outside. But the big kicker for us was showing them a post I saw online about childrens' bedrooms from around the world.
I don't know if you saw this post or not, but it featured children from China, the Ivory Coast, etc. and the awful, bare, desolate conditions that they call their sleeping space. One particularly difficult morning, when the kids were complaining about having to do chores, how hard it was to get dressed on their own, how they wanted to watch TV, etc, etc, I finally lost it. I broke down into tears. I was miserable, so sad and heartbroken, watching my children who have so very much to be grateful for, wallowing in this self-pity and ingratitude. They stopped and looked at me like I was crazy because they knew something had just changed. I sat them down and showed them the pictures of the bedrooms around the world. The wooden pallet for a bed, the barbed wire around a chain-linked fence, the obvious lack of toys or stuffed animals. With each progressive picture, their eyes widened, their mouths opened. I asked, "Do these rooms look anything like yours?" Both of them said no and continued to look on in shock and amazement. When we were done, all of us were in tears. I was not trying to hurt their feelings, but I felt I needed to make a big statement to them so that they would understand that I wasn't just "fussing" at them, I meant it when I pointed out how fortunate we are.
Stella immediately ran upstairs and gathered a group of toys that she wanted to donate to those children. Roy just cried. I knew it had elicited some big emotions in him that a four year old can't really process on his own. I just held him and let him cry and we talked a lot about those children. He told me that it hurt his heart, that he couldn't get the pictures out of his head, that one of them looked like a good friend of his at school and he hated the thought of her not having a nice bed to sleep in. Oh how I cried with that little man! It was a lot for them to deal with. It has taken them days to process it. Today Roy came to me and said "Mommy, I can't stop thinking about those unfortunate children. I can't. I want to help them. Do they have parents? Can we send them my toys? Then they will have nice things." My sweet babies really took this to heart. Part of me feels bad that I showed them such a reality check. Part of me is glad I did.
The changes we have made have already made a difference. I firmly believe that the most important thing I can teach my children is to understand, process and express their emotions. I try to parent in a very gentle way, without yelling, creating an open environment for them to express whatever they are feeling without judgement and then teach them how to deal with those emotions. We still have clear boundaries in our home, but my goal is not immediate obedience or for them to stop crying right away when they are upset. My goal is for them to be able to express themselves and communicate because I believe EVERYTHING else in life will be handled better if they can do so.
An attitude of gratitude. Simplistic but important. I still struggle daily with controlling my temper and having patience and truly connecting with my kiddos. But I think things are getting better.
Then I came across a blog post about a mom dealing with the same issue. After being fed up with her daughters never being satisfied with anything, she got rid of ALL of their toys. ALL of them. She limited their screen time to a couple of hours per WEEK. And shockingly, after only a few weeks, her children stopped asking for things. Just stopped. Every so often, she would allow them to earn a toy and they would then be entertained by that one toy for hours and hours. Even on vacation, they didn't beg and plead for crap from the gift shops. Mad props to this family. Now I am not going to do this with my kids, because I don't think I need to. But we have made some big changes and after just a couple of weeks I have noticed a difference.
We started with reestablishing our rewards chart, in which the kids get stickers for completing chores, trying new foods, getting good school reports and doing acts of service. They have to get certain amounts of stickers to earn certain privileges. Then I went through and gathered 6 bags of toys and clothes and books to donate to charity. 6 bags. This on top of the quarterly donations that we already do. Boy did they have a lot of crap!!! Finally, we limited their TV to one show per kid each day. Sometimes we fail on that one, but limiting screen time more has totally helped. They are playing together more, drawing more, playing more outside. But the big kicker for us was showing them a post I saw online about childrens' bedrooms from around the world.
I don't know if you saw this post or not, but it featured children from China, the Ivory Coast, etc. and the awful, bare, desolate conditions that they call their sleeping space. One particularly difficult morning, when the kids were complaining about having to do chores, how hard it was to get dressed on their own, how they wanted to watch TV, etc, etc, I finally lost it. I broke down into tears. I was miserable, so sad and heartbroken, watching my children who have so very much to be grateful for, wallowing in this self-pity and ingratitude. They stopped and looked at me like I was crazy because they knew something had just changed. I sat them down and showed them the pictures of the bedrooms around the world. The wooden pallet for a bed, the barbed wire around a chain-linked fence, the obvious lack of toys or stuffed animals. With each progressive picture, their eyes widened, their mouths opened. I asked, "Do these rooms look anything like yours?" Both of them said no and continued to look on in shock and amazement. When we were done, all of us were in tears. I was not trying to hurt their feelings, but I felt I needed to make a big statement to them so that they would understand that I wasn't just "fussing" at them, I meant it when I pointed out how fortunate we are.
Stella immediately ran upstairs and gathered a group of toys that she wanted to donate to those children. Roy just cried. I knew it had elicited some big emotions in him that a four year old can't really process on his own. I just held him and let him cry and we talked a lot about those children. He told me that it hurt his heart, that he couldn't get the pictures out of his head, that one of them looked like a good friend of his at school and he hated the thought of her not having a nice bed to sleep in. Oh how I cried with that little man! It was a lot for them to deal with. It has taken them days to process it. Today Roy came to me and said "Mommy, I can't stop thinking about those unfortunate children. I can't. I want to help them. Do they have parents? Can we send them my toys? Then they will have nice things." My sweet babies really took this to heart. Part of me feels bad that I showed them such a reality check. Part of me is glad I did.
The changes we have made have already made a difference. I firmly believe that the most important thing I can teach my children is to understand, process and express their emotions. I try to parent in a very gentle way, without yelling, creating an open environment for them to express whatever they are feeling without judgement and then teach them how to deal with those emotions. We still have clear boundaries in our home, but my goal is not immediate obedience or for them to stop crying right away when they are upset. My goal is for them to be able to express themselves and communicate because I believe EVERYTHING else in life will be handled better if they can do so.
An attitude of gratitude. Simplistic but important. I still struggle daily with controlling my temper and having patience and truly connecting with my kiddos. But I think things are getting better.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Ask and ye shall receive
A couple of months ago Roy's teacher asked me to chaperone the class field trip to the circus. She asked me specifically because it is a BIG field trip fraught with lots of peril (19 kids taking a potty break at the Richmond Coliseum, eating lunch there, etc.) and my boy can be a handful :) I agreed, and then immediately began having second thoughts. Not so much about how difficult it would be, but because I have serious qualms about the circus. I LOVED the circus as a kid and I have so many great memories from our annual family outings there. I thought it was magical. Honestly, any occasion when my whole family gets together is tons of fun, no matter what the setting is. Thats how we roll :)
But as I got older I learned more and more about the ethical problems with the circus, Sea World or any other big scale venue that has trained animals. What I learned wasn't pretty. After a lot of research, Russell and I decided a couple of years ago that we just wouldn't take the kids to the circus. It just didn't feel right, and we do plenty of other family events that I don't have ethical issues with. The kids may have mentioned the circus occasionally, but never really expressed much desire to go. And we were both fine with that. Then this field trip came up and I had mixed feelings about it. Roy seemed excited to go and really excited that I would be a chaperone. I almost backed out a couple of times, but decided that he would be really disappointed if his entire class experienced this and he didn't. So I figured at least I would be there with him and afterwards we could have a discussion about my opinion on the matter. It would be a learning experience that would assuage my mommy guilt at him missing out on a childhood tradition.
As the day drew closer, I was dreading it more and more. My news feed had been filled with anti-circus articles and videos. Friends were declaring their disdain for such a spectacle. My conscience was truly bothered by my decision. At this point I felt obligated to follow through because I had made a commitment to Roy and to his teacher to help out. But I really didn't like it and I was feeling like a total hypocrite. By the way, the children had no idea of my internal struggle. I was trying to work this out for myself and not ruin it for Roy.
So then today came. I got Roy to school with our lunches packed for the excursion. I helped the teacher organize the buddy system with the students and other chaperones. Roy's partner was the only one who didn't show up. He was a bit bummed about that, but I told him I would be his buddy, so then he was cool with it. We loaded up all the kids and chaperones and teachers onto the school bus and we were off! As soon as the bus pulled away, Roy stopped smiling. I was confused, since he has been on field trips before and loves riding the bus. I couldn't get him to smile. He was looking out the window, saying goodbye to each building or landmark we passed. When I asked him why he said he was sad to be going and that he would miss these places. I explained we weren't going far, only a few miles away, it still didn't change his mood. I was so perplexed as to what was going on. When we arrived and parked, he started crying. "I don't want to go to the circus! I don't want to go! I want to go home!" I thought he might be sick, but he said he wasn't, he just didn't "feel right" about going and really wanted to go home. After a few minutes of this getting progressively more serious, I pulled the teacher aside just as we were about to walk in and told her Roy wasn't feeling well and I thought it best that we just left. Everyone was concerned, but I knew that the best thing to do was leave quickly because we were about to have a full on meltdown. And I was not about to force him to go to a show I felt uncomfortable with already.
Well, there we were stranded at the Richmond Coliseum with no car (we rode the bus) and having already paid for our tickets. Our bag lunches were packed away with another chaperone and we were freezing in the middle of a downtown street. But it was fine, because the second I told him we didn't have to go, he calmed down. When I said we would get a friend (thank you Audrey!) to come pick us up and take us to our car so we could go home, he sighed a big sigh of relief and started smiling again. He couldn't verbalize WHY exactly he didn't want to go, but he just knew he didn't. I do not have a squeamish kid. He is not nervous at new situations. He is not shy. He does not scare easily. He loves going any and everywhere. But he did not, under any circumstances, want to go to the circus. The only way he could explain it to me was this:
"Mommy, sometimes you think you want something, and then when it is really happening, you realize you don't."
Well ok then. Couldn't have said it better myself.
So we walked a few blocks to a nearby Marriott and waited in the lobby until our friend could come get us and take us to school to get our car. We went and got a new toy, had some lunch, ran some errands.
This is not meant to spark a debate over anyone's stance on the circus. It is not meant to bring on a discussion on animal rights. It's not about being a vegetarian, vegan or meat-eater. It is simply a testament to the idea that sometimes when you have a big issue and you can't figure it out, the answer may come in the most unexpected form. It may come out of the mouths of babes. I have no idea what spoke to Roy, what thoughts were rolling around in his head to change his mind so quickly. But I do know that we teach our kids to trust their instincts and express their feelings, no matter what those feelings are. And today really showed me that my little man knows himself well and feels comfortable talking to his mommy and trusts me to value what he is saying. And I always will.
But as I got older I learned more and more about the ethical problems with the circus, Sea World or any other big scale venue that has trained animals. What I learned wasn't pretty. After a lot of research, Russell and I decided a couple of years ago that we just wouldn't take the kids to the circus. It just didn't feel right, and we do plenty of other family events that I don't have ethical issues with. The kids may have mentioned the circus occasionally, but never really expressed much desire to go. And we were both fine with that. Then this field trip came up and I had mixed feelings about it. Roy seemed excited to go and really excited that I would be a chaperone. I almost backed out a couple of times, but decided that he would be really disappointed if his entire class experienced this and he didn't. So I figured at least I would be there with him and afterwards we could have a discussion about my opinion on the matter. It would be a learning experience that would assuage my mommy guilt at him missing out on a childhood tradition.
As the day drew closer, I was dreading it more and more. My news feed had been filled with anti-circus articles and videos. Friends were declaring their disdain for such a spectacle. My conscience was truly bothered by my decision. At this point I felt obligated to follow through because I had made a commitment to Roy and to his teacher to help out. But I really didn't like it and I was feeling like a total hypocrite. By the way, the children had no idea of my internal struggle. I was trying to work this out for myself and not ruin it for Roy.
So then today came. I got Roy to school with our lunches packed for the excursion. I helped the teacher organize the buddy system with the students and other chaperones. Roy's partner was the only one who didn't show up. He was a bit bummed about that, but I told him I would be his buddy, so then he was cool with it. We loaded up all the kids and chaperones and teachers onto the school bus and we were off! As soon as the bus pulled away, Roy stopped smiling. I was confused, since he has been on field trips before and loves riding the bus. I couldn't get him to smile. He was looking out the window, saying goodbye to each building or landmark we passed. When I asked him why he said he was sad to be going and that he would miss these places. I explained we weren't going far, only a few miles away, it still didn't change his mood. I was so perplexed as to what was going on. When we arrived and parked, he started crying. "I don't want to go to the circus! I don't want to go! I want to go home!" I thought he might be sick, but he said he wasn't, he just didn't "feel right" about going and really wanted to go home. After a few minutes of this getting progressively more serious, I pulled the teacher aside just as we were about to walk in and told her Roy wasn't feeling well and I thought it best that we just left. Everyone was concerned, but I knew that the best thing to do was leave quickly because we were about to have a full on meltdown. And I was not about to force him to go to a show I felt uncomfortable with already.
Well, there we were stranded at the Richmond Coliseum with no car (we rode the bus) and having already paid for our tickets. Our bag lunches were packed away with another chaperone and we were freezing in the middle of a downtown street. But it was fine, because the second I told him we didn't have to go, he calmed down. When I said we would get a friend (thank you Audrey!) to come pick us up and take us to our car so we could go home, he sighed a big sigh of relief and started smiling again. He couldn't verbalize WHY exactly he didn't want to go, but he just knew he didn't. I do not have a squeamish kid. He is not nervous at new situations. He is not shy. He does not scare easily. He loves going any and everywhere. But he did not, under any circumstances, want to go to the circus. The only way he could explain it to me was this:
"Mommy, sometimes you think you want something, and then when it is really happening, you realize you don't."
Well ok then. Couldn't have said it better myself.
So we walked a few blocks to a nearby Marriott and waited in the lobby until our friend could come get us and take us to school to get our car. We went and got a new toy, had some lunch, ran some errands.
This is not meant to spark a debate over anyone's stance on the circus. It is not meant to bring on a discussion on animal rights. It's not about being a vegetarian, vegan or meat-eater. It is simply a testament to the idea that sometimes when you have a big issue and you can't figure it out, the answer may come in the most unexpected form. It may come out of the mouths of babes. I have no idea what spoke to Roy, what thoughts were rolling around in his head to change his mind so quickly. But I do know that we teach our kids to trust their instincts and express their feelings, no matter what those feelings are. And today really showed me that my little man knows himself well and feels comfortable talking to his mommy and trusts me to value what he is saying. And I always will.
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