Gratitude

So Russell and I have been struggling recently, as a lot of parents do, with the concept of gratitude. Our kids are sweet, loving, generous children, but they are still kids. They tend to want what they want when they want it. We have always made it a point to do family prayer every night in which we all list something that we are grateful for. We donate toys and clothes regularly, we pay tithing to our church and our kids both say Please and Thank You without having to be prompted (usually). However, we have been going through this phase recently where they CANNOT go anywhere without asking for something and being quite difficult when we say no. I have NO problem saying no. I'm sure my kids are sick of me saying no. But we have been feeling a bit beat down by the sense of entitlement and expectations our children have been exhibiting. Not acceptable. We are constantly expressing gratitude for our lives, our children, our house, our extended family, etc., but our kids seemed to be missing the point. Trying to keep realistic expectations, since they are only 4 and 6 and being somewhat self-absorbed is totally normal, we knew we needed to make some sort of change.

Then I came across a blog post about a mom dealing with the same issue. After being fed up with her daughters never being satisfied with anything, she got rid of ALL of their toys. ALL of them. She limited their screen time to a couple of hours per WEEK. And shockingly, after only a few weeks, her children stopped asking for things. Just stopped. Every so often, she would allow them to earn a toy and they would then be entertained by that one toy for hours and hours. Even on vacation, they didn't beg and plead for crap from the gift shops. Mad props to this family.  Now I am not going to do this with my kids, because I don't think I need to. But we have made some big changes and after just a couple of weeks I have noticed a difference.

We started with reestablishing our rewards chart, in which the kids get stickers for completing chores, trying new foods, getting good school reports and doing acts of service. They have to get certain amounts of stickers to earn certain privileges. Then I went through and gathered 6 bags of toys and clothes and books to donate to charity. 6 bags. This on top of the quarterly donations that we already do. Boy did they have a lot of crap!!! Finally, we limited their TV to one show per kid each day. Sometimes we fail on that one, but limiting screen time more has totally helped. They are playing together more, drawing more, playing more outside. But the big kicker for us was showing them a post I saw online about childrens' bedrooms from around the world.

I don't know if you saw this post or not, but it featured children from China, the Ivory Coast, etc. and the awful, bare, desolate conditions that they call their sleeping space. One particularly difficult morning, when the kids were complaining about having to do chores, how hard it was to get dressed on their own, how they wanted to watch TV, etc, etc, I finally lost it. I broke down into tears. I was miserable, so sad and heartbroken, watching my children who have so very much to be grateful for, wallowing in this self-pity and ingratitude. They stopped and looked at me like I was crazy because they knew something had just changed. I sat them down and showed them the pictures of the bedrooms around the world. The wooden pallet for a bed, the barbed wire around a chain-linked fence, the obvious lack of toys or stuffed animals. With each progressive picture, their eyes widened, their mouths opened. I asked, "Do these rooms look anything like yours?" Both of them said no and continued to look on in shock and amazement. When we were done, all of us were in tears. I was not trying to hurt their feelings, but I felt I needed to make a big statement to them so that they would understand that I wasn't just "fussing" at them, I meant it when I pointed out how fortunate we are.

Stella immediately ran upstairs and gathered a group of toys that she wanted to donate to those children. Roy just cried. I knew it had elicited some big emotions in him that a four year old can't really process on his own. I just held him and let him cry and we talked a lot about those children. He told me that it hurt his heart, that he couldn't get the pictures out of his head, that one of them looked like a good friend of his at school and he hated the thought of her not having a nice bed to sleep in. Oh how I cried with that little man! It was a lot for them to deal with. It has taken them days to process it. Today Roy came to me and said "Mommy, I can't stop thinking about those unfortunate children. I can't. I want to help them. Do they have parents? Can we send them my toys? Then they will have nice things." My sweet babies really took this to heart. Part of me feels bad that I showed them such a reality check. Part of me is glad I did.

The changes we have made have already made a difference. I firmly believe that the most important thing I can teach my children is to understand, process and express their emotions. I try to parent  in a very gentle way, without yelling, creating an open environment for them to express whatever they are feeling without judgement and then teach them how to deal with those emotions. We still have clear boundaries in our home, but my goal is not immediate obedience or for them to stop crying right away when they are upset. My goal is for them to be able to express themselves and communicate because I believe EVERYTHING else in life will be handled better if they can do so.

An attitude of gratitude. Simplistic but important. I still struggle daily with controlling my temper and having patience and truly connecting with my kiddos. But I think things are getting better.