New chapter

My mom pointed out to me years ago that I tend to take on a lot of major changes at once. Apparently I've done that my whole life and never realized it until she told me. Boy is she right! When she gently pointed this fact out to me, I was graduating from undergrad, planning my (first) wedding, moving to a new state and starting grad school all within a 3 month period. Shew, stressful time! But I did it. Minus a few layers of skin on my legs from my nervous stress habit of scratching the heck out of them, but I did it. Since then, the pattern hasn't changed but my ability to adjust to it has :) I actually function better with a lot on my plate; otherwise I can be a real slacker :)
Our family, like so many others I know, always seems to have a lot going on. The balance of two parents who work outside the home at both a primary (appliance repair and hair stylist) and secondary (new self-owned appliance repair and doula) job, two kids about to start school, two dogs, lots of hobbies and a home we are getting ready to sell can be challenging to say the least. Yet neither my hubby or myself can turn down exciting opportunities that we get; he is now in the Presidency of the Young Men's group at our church which is a BIG responsibility and I am super proud of him.
I am really excited for this new chapter in our lives. I am about to become the mother of 2 kids in elementary school, which means changing my work schedule a bit. I am really happy but slightly apprehensive about that! We have worked hard at making our house a home and I truly love it, but we are outgrowing it and it is time to move on. Bittersweet feelings on that one. I am always looking for new ways to involve myself in the local birth community and Russell is doing a great job at starting his own independent business. Money is tight these days as we are making sacrifices to get us to the next step in our family's life, so I feel like budget issues are making me a little nuts :) We need to be able to sell our home for the right amount to pay off the current mortgage, so while I am anxious to not be in limbo, the timing has to be just right before we can list it. That stressed me out a bit at first, but after processing the info, I'm feeling really blessed that we have the option to wait until it is right.
All in all, our life is so freaking good. I have an amazing family, a strong support system of friends and loved ones and we are always being reminded of how blessed we are. We don't always know what cards we will be dealt, but I'm happy and optimistic about playing that hand :)

Body Issues

We all have them. Every woman I know has something about her physical appearance that bugs her. For many reasons women tend to be critical of our bodies. Mine didn't start until college. I was always playing sports before then and was pretty confident about my physicality. That changed when I met my college boyfriend and future starter-husband. The short version of that story is that he was controlling. The long story is that it was this insidious critiquing that built into a full-blown domineering presence in my life. I didn't realize it until it was too late and I was IN LOVE and engaged. At 5'8" I weighed 130 lbs and was told I was fat. I BELIEVED I was fat. I worked out 6 days a week, weight lifting, running, mountain biking and rock climbing. It was never enough, I was never in the shape that I (he) wanted me to be in. I never let my thighs actually rest on a chair because it made them look bigger. I wouldn't order what I wanted in a restaurant because I would get the "are you sure you want to eat that?" look. To be fair to my mom, she tried to warn me!!! But you know how it is when you're in love with an asshole...you don't know he's an asshole. We were married for 4 years and when I finally broke free, I boycotted the gym :) And I ate whatever the hell I wanted! I've never felt like I was fat, but of course my body changed and it is never going to be in that shape again. Nor do I want it to be. I am happy with my curves, I love food and I have a wonderful man who thinks I am the sexiest most beautiful woman on earth.
Having children changes you body in so many ways. My shape is different now and I am still coming to terms with it. I've lost all the baby weight from the twins, which is amazing, but I still had weight from my previous pregnancies that I need to get rid of. It isn't so much about what the scale says, but more about how I feel. There are still remnants of that old me, that old insecurity that pop up when I'm having a bad day. But for the most part I have made a conscious decision to celebrate my body. It has done miraculous things. It is beautiful and strong and yes, a little softer in some places than I want. In the grand scheme of things however, my struggles don't define me. When I'm feeling down or having a "fat" day, I look in the mirror, deep into my own eyes and try to find my strength. I'm thankful that I am surrounded by love and not criticism.

separation anxiety

I don't ever want to be a helicopter mom. I am very invested in making sure my kids develop into strong, independent individuals. I think it is really important for them to figure things out on their own, learn at their own pace, find out what motivates them and go for it. I see parents all the time who must feel differently; they hover over their kids and micro-manage each and every move that their children make. I'm pretty sure that 6 year old can navigate the slide on his own. If your daughter gets sand in her shoes or mud in her hair, it is not the end of the world. If your kid breaks a rule and has to deal with a natural consequence, so be it; lesson learned.
All that being said, this mommy is learning that we each have our breaking points. We each have those little things that bug the crap out of us and we have a hard time letting go of. I am learning what mine are as my children are branching out into different activities. So far we have tried soccer, gymnastics and now swim lessons. We have been lucky to have had awesome coaches and teachers so far, who have set boundaries about how much the parents can interfere. This is a lovely concept: teachers teach my kids new things, I watch without undermining the teacher's authority. Of course, we have set our own ground rules with the kids before each class starts. If they repeatedly disobey the teacher after two warnings they are removed from class for the day. I have taken my children home in the middle of soccer class because they deliberately disobeyed our ground rules. Boy did they fuss and cry-but I only had to do it once. Lesson learned. At the same time, I understand that they are 5 and 3, so they aren't going to be perfect, nor do I punish them for being kids. Usually the teacher or coach has things under control, and I really want them to learn to be respectful of those authority figures and to follow the rules on their own. I won't be able to be with them when they are at school, so I need them to learn to listen to those in charge.
Last week at their first swim class, I was ridiculously proud of them. They are in different classes, but in the pool at the same time so I can watch both of them. Parents are not allowed in the pool area so that kids don't get distracted (brilliant! sorry helicopter mom, sit down and watch please!). I was almost in tears watching them follow directions the first time and even willingly do things I had been trying for a while to get them to try. Awesome!!! I was beaming with pride when I lined up with the other parents at the end of class to get them. The instructor gives a little report on every child's progress to each parent, and both kids got really good reports- Roy even got a hard earned ribbon for floating on his back (big deal at his age!). And then...Stella's instructor suggested that extra classes would be helpful for her holding her breath under water, but if not, no big deal, she did a fantastic job. Aaaaaaaand enter crazy worried mom mode: is she ok? i thought she did great! do we need extra classes?? Thankfully all of this was internal dialog. And thankfully my husband can talk me off the ledge. Really?? Was I really worried about this? Come on Chas, you have an amazing daughter who just made you so proud you were almost in tears! It was her first class! Absolutely no need to freak out. Count your blessings girl; if this is your biggest concern with your daughter, then life is good. I know so many families that have REAL issues and challenges; being a pro at proper breathing techniques is not something to worry about. But I couldn't help it, I did have those fleeting moments of real concern. Ahhhhhh, mommy guilt. My point is, we all have our "helicopter" moments; the key is to reign it in and put things in perspective. I am supremely blessed that we can even afford swim lessons and extra activities for the kids- I am not going to sabatoge the fun by being a freak :) And on that note, it is time to pack their bags for swim class...I'll leave MY baggage at home.