My family has always been one of collectors. Everyone has their own thing; plates, hippos, figurines, books. But first and foremost, we collect pictures to document our memories. We celebrate any and everything! Birthdays and Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving are all big family gatherings. Oh, its Flag Day??? Well heck, let us have a cookout!! Each year at Christmas there is an unofficial contest to see who makes my grandmother cry first with the most sentimental gift. We are criers. Happy criers, sad criers, angry criers. No shame in our game; we are a passionate, expressive family. I know no other way to be :) And I love it.
So this weekend I received some pretty awful news. A huge portion of very sentimental keepsakes and pictures from my childhood was destroyed. Baby pictures, my mother's wedding album, my deeply loved Raggedy Ann doll, books, my highchair- all destroyed. It has taken me the last 48 hours to process this information. To say that I am devastated would be a gross understatement. My bronzed baby shoes-gone. My only pictures of my deceased grandmother-gone. My mother's beloved Christmas decorations-gone. I still can't even wrap my brain around it. I imagine that most people would be really upset by this, but to have this happen to the sweet, sentimental woman who raised me is just beyond comprehension. My heart aches for her; a physical ache. Of course I am sad for the loss of those things, especially my Raggedy Ann. She was a gift from my Aunt Rhonda on the day I was born, and Aunt Rhonda passed away when I was 8. I slept with her every day until I went away to college. I stitched her up myself as a child after my dog ripped a huge hole in her. I wanted to keep her forever. But as a mother myself now, I grieve most especially for my mother. Losing all of those keepsakes that marked my childhood has broken her heart. I can take a lot of pain, I have dealt with my share over my years. But for my mom to hurt??? Oh no, that makes me crazy. I want to rage and scream and punch and kick. Without going into details, this loss of our keepsakes was no accident; it was callous and intentional. It is like a knife in the chest. I am sad for me, but I am furious for my mother.
I know that those things were just "things". I know that we still have the memories. I know that nothing on earth is more important than my family; I would rather have time with my mother than any keepsake in the world. But this is a tough one for me to deal with. While we are super expressive and effusive with our love, I hold on to my pain. I deal with it on my own. This post is my way of trying to deal with my anger and hurt. It is also a shout out to my mom, to let her know how sorry I am that she has to deal with this. I hold my mother in the highest of regards; she is my idol and inspiration, always. I do my best to emulate her as a person and as a mother. So hold that head up high Ma! No matter what happens, no one can take away our memories. We have been through worse. It will take me a while to deal with this, to comprehend this loss. But in the end, having her in my life is what truly matters.
