A couple of months ago Roy's teacher asked me to chaperone the class field trip to the circus. She asked me specifically because it is a BIG field trip fraught with lots of peril (19 kids taking a potty break at the Richmond Coliseum, eating lunch there, etc.) and my boy can be a handful :) I agreed, and then immediately began having second thoughts. Not so much about how difficult it would be, but because I have serious qualms about the circus. I LOVED the circus as a kid and I have so many great memories from our annual family outings there. I thought it was magical. Honestly, any occasion when my whole family gets together is tons of fun, no matter what the setting is. Thats how we roll :)
But as I got older I learned more and more about the ethical problems with the circus, Sea World or any other big scale venue that has trained animals. What I learned wasn't pretty. After a lot of research, Russell and I decided a couple of years ago that we just wouldn't take the kids to the circus. It just didn't feel right, and we do plenty of other family events that I don't have ethical issues with. The kids may have mentioned the circus occasionally, but never really expressed much desire to go. And we were both fine with that. Then this field trip came up and I had mixed feelings about it. Roy seemed excited to go and really excited that I would be a chaperone. I almost backed out a couple of times, but decided that he would be really disappointed if his entire class experienced this and he didn't. So I figured at least I would be there with him and afterwards we could have a discussion about my opinion on the matter. It would be a learning experience that would assuage my mommy guilt at him missing out on a childhood tradition.
As the day drew closer, I was dreading it more and more. My news feed had been filled with anti-circus articles and videos. Friends were declaring their disdain for such a spectacle. My conscience was truly bothered by my decision. At this point I felt obligated to follow through because I had made a commitment to Roy and to his teacher to help out. But I really didn't like it and I was feeling like a total hypocrite. By the way, the children had no idea of my internal struggle. I was trying to work this out for myself and not ruin it for Roy.
So then today came. I got Roy to school with our lunches packed for the excursion. I helped the teacher organize the buddy system with the students and other chaperones. Roy's partner was the only one who didn't show up. He was a bit bummed about that, but I told him I would be his buddy, so then he was cool with it. We loaded up all the kids and chaperones and teachers onto the school bus and we were off! As soon as the bus pulled away, Roy stopped smiling. I was confused, since he has been on field trips before and loves riding the bus. I couldn't get him to smile. He was looking out the window, saying goodbye to each building or landmark we passed. When I asked him why he said he was sad to be going and that he would miss these places. I explained we weren't going far, only a few miles away, it still didn't change his mood. I was so perplexed as to what was going on. When we arrived and parked, he started crying. "I don't want to go to the circus! I don't want to go! I want to go home!" I thought he might be sick, but he said he wasn't, he just didn't "feel right" about going and really wanted to go home. After a few minutes of this getting progressively more serious, I pulled the teacher aside just as we were about to walk in and told her Roy wasn't feeling well and I thought it best that we just left. Everyone was concerned, but I knew that the best thing to do was leave quickly because we were about to have a full on meltdown. And I was not about to force him to go to a show I felt uncomfortable with already.
Well, there we were stranded at the Richmond Coliseum with no car (we rode the bus) and having already paid for our tickets. Our bag lunches were packed away with another chaperone and we were freezing in the middle of a downtown street. But it was fine, because the second I told him we didn't have to go, he calmed down. When I said we would get a friend (thank you Audrey!) to come pick us up and take us to our car so we could go home, he sighed a big sigh of relief and started smiling again. He couldn't verbalize WHY exactly he didn't want to go, but he just knew he didn't. I do not have a squeamish kid. He is not nervous at new situations. He is not shy. He does not scare easily. He loves going any and everywhere. But he did not, under any circumstances, want to go to the circus. The only way he could explain it to me was this:
"Mommy, sometimes you think you want something, and then when it is really happening, you realize you don't."
Well ok then. Couldn't have said it better myself.
So we walked a few blocks to a nearby Marriott and waited in the lobby until our friend could come get us and take us to school to get our car. We went and got a new toy, had some lunch, ran some errands.
This is not meant to spark a debate over anyone's stance on the circus. It is not meant to bring on a discussion on animal rights. It's not about being a vegetarian, vegan or meat-eater. It is simply a testament to the idea that sometimes when you have a big issue and you can't figure it out, the answer may come in the most unexpected form. It may come out of the mouths of babes. I have no idea what spoke to Roy, what thoughts were rolling around in his head to change his mind so quickly. But I do know that we teach our kids to trust their instincts and express their feelings, no matter what those feelings are. And today really showed me that my little man knows himself well and feels comfortable talking to his mommy and trusts me to value what he is saying. And I always will.
