I think most of us are familiar with the Mommy Wars, that annoying issue where moms judge other moms. I have tried really hard to stay out of that mess, both by keeping my mouth shut in regards to how other people parent and also by closing my ears to others' criticisms of how I parent my children. I have tried to be less judgmental of others in my old age. So the Mommy Wars tend to roll off my back these days. This post however, is about a different, more damaging war. The war I wage on myself as a mom.
I am constantly and forever trying to be a better mom. Always, every day, asking myself how I can do a better job. Which isn't a bad thing; until you take it to MY level. Am I being patient enough? Firm enough? Supportive enough? Fostering their independence while still assuring them I will always be here? Encouraging their interests? Am I yelling too much?(yes) Do I work too much? Not enough? Pretty much each day has a new problem and a new issue, and I usually come to the same conclusion: I am failing. Maybe not in huge ways, but I am failing. I am somehow missing the mark. I need to be a little bit better at this, try a little bit harder at that. Roy isn't eating a good, balanced diet- FAIL. I yelled at Stella for not following directions-FAIL. I didn't take that position on the PTA-FAIL. I couldn't take out the trash, fold the laundry, do the dishes, check the homework-FAIL. I find myself on my knees, saying my prayers, begging God to help me be better, yet falling into the same patterns I try so hard to break.
I'm tired of promising myself that I will do better.
I am tired of trying to pay penance for my perceived failings. Goodness knows, I am NOT close to perfect. I screw up all.the.time. But I have recently come to the conclusion that the fact that I am constantly trying to improve means that I have the right attitude. It means I'm doing SOMETHING right. It means I give a shit. It means I will not settle, I will always strive to do better. And ya know, I think it sets a pretty good example for my kids that I always set new goals and do my best to achieve them.
So no more penance for me. That doesn't mean I won't judge myself every single day. And I'm sure I will still find myself lacking more often than not. I do have high standards. But I think I can stop saying the Hail Marys.
