Body Issues

We all have them. Every woman I know has something about her physical appearance that bugs her. For many reasons women tend to be critical of our bodies. Mine didn't start until college. I was always playing sports before then and was pretty confident about my physicality. That changed when I met my college boyfriend and future starter-husband. The short version of that story is that he was controlling. The long story is that it was this insidious critiquing that built into a full-blown domineering presence in my life. I didn't realize it until it was too late and I was IN LOVE and engaged. At 5'8" I weighed 130 lbs and was told I was fat. I BELIEVED I was fat. I worked out 6 days a week, weight lifting, running, mountain biking and rock climbing. It was never enough, I was never in the shape that I (he) wanted me to be in. I never let my thighs actually rest on a chair because it made them look bigger. I wouldn't order what I wanted in a restaurant because I would get the "are you sure you want to eat that?" look. To be fair to my mom, she tried to warn me!!! But you know how it is when you're in love with an asshole...you don't know he's an asshole. We were married for 4 years and when I finally broke free, I boycotted the gym :) And I ate whatever the hell I wanted! I've never felt like I was fat, but of course my body changed and it is never going to be in that shape again. Nor do I want it to be. I am happy with my curves, I love food and I have a wonderful man who thinks I am the sexiest most beautiful woman on earth.
Having children changes you body in so many ways. My shape is different now and I am still coming to terms with it. I've lost all the baby weight from the twins, which is amazing, but I still had weight from my previous pregnancies that I need to get rid of. It isn't so much about what the scale says, but more about how I feel. There are still remnants of that old me, that old insecurity that pop up when I'm having a bad day. But for the most part I have made a conscious decision to celebrate my body. It has done miraculous things. It is beautiful and strong and yes, a little softer in some places than I want. In the grand scheme of things however, my struggles don't define me. When I'm feeling down or having a "fat" day, I look in the mirror, deep into my own eyes and try to find my strength. I'm thankful that I am surrounded by love and not criticism.