On the eve of my 7 year anniversary I am reflecting on my life in general. And damn, it is awesome!! I cannot believe it has been 7 years since I married the man of my dreams and 9 years that he has been a part of my life. I am one lucky bitch ;)
As some of you know, this is not my first marriage. I married my college sweetheart at the tender age of 21, after dating only him through all 4 years of college. We were married for 4 years. It was not what I would call a partnership; more of a dictatorship. To be fair, I entered into this knowingly, but despite my best efforts, it only got worse. It was shocking to our friends when we split because they thought we were the "perfect" couple. Oh what goes on behind closed doors... Looking back on things and comparing it to my marriage now, all I can do is shake my head. I do NOT regret that marriage; I learned so very much from it. I believe God puts us on a path for a reason, and that part of my life was vital to who I am now.
But let me say this: my marriage is a gift from God, but it is also hard work. We work HARD to take care of one another and our children. We do not sit idly by and let problems fester. We value one another, we tell each other how much we need each other, we demonstrate our love loudly. We worship together, we worship each other, we love our kids unconditionally. We make the choice EVERY FRICKIN DAY to work hard on our relationship. I have never been more secure in a relationship with someone than I am with Russell. He is amazing on every level and I make damn sure I tell him that. He treats me like a valuable prize. He treats me like the smartest woman alive. He treats me like his equal. He treats me like I am strong. He treats me like I am beautiful. He earns my respect every day. I am madly, deeply in love with him and I still get butterflies when I see him. Am I lucky? Hells yes. Do I deserve it? Hells yes.
Thank you babe, for all that you do and all that you are.
Happy anniversary.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Reflections
From just a thought, just an idea in my mind, you grew into a tiny being inside me. I carried you, nurtured you, loved you. I was in awe that you had been created.
On the day you were born, I grew. I grew into a mother instantaneously and knew my mission in life was to protect you. To love and to guide, to keep you grounded and give you wings.
You grew into a toddler and began venturing outside the safe harbor of my arms. You explored and learned and developed strong attitudes and opinions. I watched, terrified and thrilled.
I grew into the mother of a preschooler. A sweet, loving wild-child, who threw her whole heart into absolutely everything she tried. I would burst with pride at every accomplishment; dancing and gymnastics, writing your name. I saw pieces of me and of your father, saw the magic of the two of us creating the walking/talking embodiment of the next generation of our family.
You've grown into a Kindergartener. A school-aged child. You are branching out on your own adventures, the beginnings of your own path in life. This is the time when you will be making friends I don't know, learning things from someone other than me. I am excited and scared in equal measure. How hard this is!! How amazing you are!! I feel like I am sending my heart out into the world.
We have grown together, you and I. I have taught you many things, but you have taught me many more. You are growing up and I am growing stronger. You are growing wings and I am growing braver. You are growing your mind and I am growing prouder of you each day.
As you begin this next monumental phase of your life my daughter, please remember:
"I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always.
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
On the day you were born, I grew. I grew into a mother instantaneously and knew my mission in life was to protect you. To love and to guide, to keep you grounded and give you wings.
You grew into a toddler and began venturing outside the safe harbor of my arms. You explored and learned and developed strong attitudes and opinions. I watched, terrified and thrilled.
I grew into the mother of a preschooler. A sweet, loving wild-child, who threw her whole heart into absolutely everything she tried. I would burst with pride at every accomplishment; dancing and gymnastics, writing your name. I saw pieces of me and of your father, saw the magic of the two of us creating the walking/talking embodiment of the next generation of our family.
You've grown into a Kindergartener. A school-aged child. You are branching out on your own adventures, the beginnings of your own path in life. This is the time when you will be making friends I don't know, learning things from someone other than me. I am excited and scared in equal measure. How hard this is!! How amazing you are!! I feel like I am sending my heart out into the world.
We have grown together, you and I. I have taught you many things, but you have taught me many more. You are growing up and I am growing stronger. You are growing wings and I am growing braver. You are growing your mind and I am growing prouder of you each day.
As you begin this next monumental phase of your life my daughter, please remember:
"I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always.
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Roy turns 4!
Holy crap, it cannot be true. My baby cannot be about to turn 4!! What?? That is officially "big boy" status. Obviously it is a bittersweet time for me. Growing up is a good thing, but it also freaks me out because I feel like time is just going faster and faster. I have been nostalgic all day, thinking of my little man and all of the stages he has gone through and will go through in the future. One of the best things about being a mom is watching your child learn new things; one of the other best things is learning about yourself. In honor of Roy's 4th, I want to list some of the things he has taught me.
1. Birth is a tandem experience.
My birth with Stella was induced, and had way more interventions than were necessary. While it was of course still beautiful and amazing and life changing, it was more like something that was happening "to me" as opposed to something I was an active participant in. It is the reason I became a doula and the reason I decided to have a natural birth with Roy. Roy's birth was not only natural, it was very clear that he and I were working together to get him out into the world. That my friends, is a game-changer in the way this mama looked at birth. Obviously it is up to each mama to decide what is right for her and her baby, but when people ask why on earth I would want an unmedicated birth, I immediately think of how amazing it was to truly know that my baby was doing what he was supposed to do and that we were in in together, working towards a common goal.
2. Intuition is not an old wives' tale.
I was due Sunday August 2nd. I worked until Friday July 31st, two days before my due date. People were a little freaked to see a hairstylist still on her feet at 40 weeks. I felt great!!! But I KNEW he was coming that Tuesday. I just did. I knew I would work out my schedule, have a couple days to rest, and he would be born on the 4th. I was already dilated and effaced pretty well at my 39 week checkup, but I wasn't having contractions or any other "signs". But I knew when he was coming. I woke up at 5am that Tuesday, having good strong contractions. I let Russell sleep another hour, then woke him up and told him it was happening. I was totally calm. Intuition is no joke.
3. I can balance WAY more than I thought I was capable of.
Two kids. Full time job. Enough said.
4. I LOVE having a boy and a girl.
5. Testosterone-fueled dudes still like to cuddle.
Ok, really his daddy taught me this, but still, Roy reinforces it. I have NEVER met such a "DUDE" who is soooooooo sweet and cuddly and affectionate.
There are things that I learn every day from my children. I hope that they learn as much from me as I do from them. I look forward to each and every year with them! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cry into my pillow because my baby isn't a baby anymore.
1. Birth is a tandem experience.
My birth with Stella was induced, and had way more interventions than were necessary. While it was of course still beautiful and amazing and life changing, it was more like something that was happening "to me" as opposed to something I was an active participant in. It is the reason I became a doula and the reason I decided to have a natural birth with Roy. Roy's birth was not only natural, it was very clear that he and I were working together to get him out into the world. That my friends, is a game-changer in the way this mama looked at birth. Obviously it is up to each mama to decide what is right for her and her baby, but when people ask why on earth I would want an unmedicated birth, I immediately think of how amazing it was to truly know that my baby was doing what he was supposed to do and that we were in in together, working towards a common goal.
2. Intuition is not an old wives' tale.
I was due Sunday August 2nd. I worked until Friday July 31st, two days before my due date. People were a little freaked to see a hairstylist still on her feet at 40 weeks. I felt great!!! But I KNEW he was coming that Tuesday. I just did. I knew I would work out my schedule, have a couple days to rest, and he would be born on the 4th. I was already dilated and effaced pretty well at my 39 week checkup, but I wasn't having contractions or any other "signs". But I knew when he was coming. I woke up at 5am that Tuesday, having good strong contractions. I let Russell sleep another hour, then woke him up and told him it was happening. I was totally calm. Intuition is no joke.
3. I can balance WAY more than I thought I was capable of.
Two kids. Full time job. Enough said.
4. I LOVE having a boy and a girl.
5. Testosterone-fueled dudes still like to cuddle.
Ok, really his daddy taught me this, but still, Roy reinforces it. I have NEVER met such a "DUDE" who is soooooooo sweet and cuddly and affectionate.
There are things that I learn every day from my children. I hope that they learn as much from me as I do from them. I look forward to each and every year with them! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cry into my pillow because my baby isn't a baby anymore.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Count your blessings
As all parents know, kids go through phases. Sometimes they are adorable, sometimes they make you want to scream. Sometimes you have no idea how to handle them. We are currently in a phase with Roy that has had me stumped. For lack of a better term, I will refer to it as the "Mama's Boy" phase. My little man has always been super attached to me, which is awesome. He was an avid, round the clock nurser, both for comfort and for hunger :) Man, I would nurse that kid while I did everything from cooking dinner to eating dinner. Yes, COOKING dinner. But I was fortunate that I never felt "touched out" with either of my children as some moms have had to deal with. You know, that feeling of just needing to not be touched by anyone, for any reason, because you have had a little one attached to you all freaking day. But now, for the past few weeks, my little man has had me feeling a little touched out. He will kiss me about 1000 times a day, he tells me he loves me about 2000 times a day, he touches me all day long, he wants to sleep in our bed, he has made my arm sore from kissing it in the same spot all day, he will kiss my feet if he is sitting near me. Now don't get me wrong, this is a good problem to have. I do not, in any way, want to discourage him from expressing his emotions, his love, his affection. Boys in our culture are told so often to downplay emotion; they get reinforcement for being tough, not for expressing emotion. I refuse to stifle his emotions. BUT... it has entered a phase that can make me a little crazy. If he gets up before me in the morning, he doesn't want me to go for a run. He wants to run down the hall and jump in bed and snuggle. Great, but I have to, want to, need to go for my morning run. So then I have to deal with a meltdown. We have tried to explain that everyone has "a bubble" of personal space, but I don't think he cares :) He does not accept Daddy snuggles as a substitute. He does not want to play in his room. He wants Mommy.
So this morning, after he freaked out, I asked him if he could tell me WHY he was so upset about me going for a run. He said he didn't want to be left behind. Wow. Is that what he has been worried about??? He is so mature and verbal for his age that I sometimes forget that he is only 3 (almost 4!). All I had to to was ask him and he did a really good job of explaining how he was feeling. I calmly told him that I would be back soon, that I would ALWAYS come back, and that I wasn't leaving him, just leaving the house for a little bit. He totally accepted it.
I went for my run, and as I often do, focused on the issue that had been bothering me. I pour myself into my running, body mind and soul. And I came back with such a clear head, such a better understanding of my little one and how to handle this issue. I realized how fortunate I am, how fortunate WE are, to have such a sweet, loving soul as our son. I realized (like I didn't already know!) how truly blessed I am. There are so many people who would love to have the opportunity to hold a child of their own, so many people who would love to have so much love in their lives. I just needed a change of perspective. I needed to count my blessings, and you'd better believe my kids are at the top of the list.
So this morning, after he freaked out, I asked him if he could tell me WHY he was so upset about me going for a run. He said he didn't want to be left behind. Wow. Is that what he has been worried about??? He is so mature and verbal for his age that I sometimes forget that he is only 3 (almost 4!). All I had to to was ask him and he did a really good job of explaining how he was feeling. I calmly told him that I would be back soon, that I would ALWAYS come back, and that I wasn't leaving him, just leaving the house for a little bit. He totally accepted it.
I went for my run, and as I often do, focused on the issue that had been bothering me. I pour myself into my running, body mind and soul. And I came back with such a clear head, such a better understanding of my little one and how to handle this issue. I realized how fortunate I am, how fortunate WE are, to have such a sweet, loving soul as our son. I realized (like I didn't already know!) how truly blessed I am. There are so many people who would love to have the opportunity to hold a child of their own, so many people who would love to have so much love in their lives. I just needed a change of perspective. I needed to count my blessings, and you'd better believe my kids are at the top of the list.
Monday, June 17, 2013
All the cool kids are doing it
As (mostly) mature adults, parents have usually come to terms with who they are, where their interests lie and in general what their personalities are. One of our biggest jobs is helping our kids figure out who they are; encouraging them to explore new things, supporting their own distinct selves, discover what makes them happy. But we all have our own prejudices that we can't help but pass on to our kids, opinions about things that aren't really important but that we have decided to take a stand on. Things that determine whether you are "that kind" of person or "this kind" of person. For example, I totally detest Crocs. I hate those things. I see kids where them all the time, I hear parents extol the comfortability factor, the ease factor- yadda yadda yadda. I get it. But there is no way in hell I am letting my kids wear those ugly things. We are not "crocs people". Silly?? Totally. But there it is, and I am NOT backing down from it. Russell and I have our own biased ideas and rules: no KidzBop music, no Power Rangers, no stickers allowed on windows, no McDonalds, no saying the words "butt" (its a booty) or "shut up", I don't think its funny for kids to curse. All parents have defined what kind of people they are and where they draw the line about all kinds of things. And I am not referring to important issues like religion or morality or spirituality. I'm talking about the day to day crap that our kids are exposed to every day; you know, game changers like fashion and music ;)
Along these lines is a concept that has really been bothering me, something that I am trying really hard not to fall victim to in spite of my above-mentioned prejudices. I see a lot of parents who seem to be overly concerned about their kids being "cool". I don't mean cool like popular in school, I mean cool like the parents want to have little mini versions of themselves. Say if mom and dad are old school punk rockers, they want little mini punk rockers. Comic book geeks only want their kids to be into superheroes, techies want kids who are way into design and technology, jocks want star athletes etc. Of course our kids will be influenced by what Russell and I like, but I don't want them to feel like our interests have to be their interests. As much as I may be annoyed by some kid shows, I LOVE that they want to watch them because it means they are still little kids. I want them to hang onto that sweet innocence as long as possible. I want them to think Dora and Diego are cool and believe that the Wonder Pets can really fly in the Fly Boat. In short, I don't want them to grow up too quickly. I don't want them to become jaded or judgemental or too worldly before they have to. So while I won't pretend that I am not thrilled when they ask to watch Star Wars and that they know all of the Marvel comics villains, I don't want to push them out of that precious innocence of childhood too quickly all for the sake of relinquishing "baby" things that aren't cool.
As my kids will both be starting school this fall (kindergarten and pre-k) I am forced to accept that they are growing up. They will be making their own choices more and more, they will be defining themselves more, they will be exposed to so many new people and ideas. And that is great! I am happy about that. But of course I worry about issues like peer pressure and bullies and other unsavory influences. Not much I can do about all the yucky people they will encounter throughout their lives; the only thing we can do is give them the best foundation that we possibly can and continue to support them as they discover themselves.
Along these lines is a concept that has really been bothering me, something that I am trying really hard not to fall victim to in spite of my above-mentioned prejudices. I see a lot of parents who seem to be overly concerned about their kids being "cool". I don't mean cool like popular in school, I mean cool like the parents want to have little mini versions of themselves. Say if mom and dad are old school punk rockers, they want little mini punk rockers. Comic book geeks only want their kids to be into superheroes, techies want kids who are way into design and technology, jocks want star athletes etc. Of course our kids will be influenced by what Russell and I like, but I don't want them to feel like our interests have to be their interests. As much as I may be annoyed by some kid shows, I LOVE that they want to watch them because it means they are still little kids. I want them to hang onto that sweet innocence as long as possible. I want them to think Dora and Diego are cool and believe that the Wonder Pets can really fly in the Fly Boat. In short, I don't want them to grow up too quickly. I don't want them to become jaded or judgemental or too worldly before they have to. So while I won't pretend that I am not thrilled when they ask to watch Star Wars and that they know all of the Marvel comics villains, I don't want to push them out of that precious innocence of childhood too quickly all for the sake of relinquishing "baby" things that aren't cool.
As my kids will both be starting school this fall (kindergarten and pre-k) I am forced to accept that they are growing up. They will be making their own choices more and more, they will be defining themselves more, they will be exposed to so many new people and ideas. And that is great! I am happy about that. But of course I worry about issues like peer pressure and bullies and other unsavory influences. Not much I can do about all the yucky people they will encounter throughout their lives; the only thing we can do is give them the best foundation that we possibly can and continue to support them as they discover themselves.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Every moment is not precious
It is a refrain parents of young kids hear all the time: "Treasure every moment! It goes by so fast!" "They will only be young once, enjoy each and every moment!" And part of that is totally true; it does go by so fast. They do grow up so quickly you almost can't keep up. You blink and they have morphed into a new being. But part of that sentiment strikes me as utterly false. You don't HAVE to treasure every moment. And it doesn't make you a bad parent if there are moments you would rather hadn't happened, moments that you would rather sweep under the rug, moments that you are all too happy to forget.
Parenting is hard. Mind-numbingly, bone-wearying exhaustingly hard. Not always, mind you. Sometimes it is the most joyous, easy going lovely thing I have ever done. Those moments when Stella brings me wildflowers she has picked or when Roy just wants to kiss me over and over are the moments I live for. There is absolutely nothing like it and nothing in my life has ever been as satisfying and rewarding until I became a mommy. Not that my life wasn't good before, but mommyhood brought things to a new level of awesome.
But there are times...
Times when my patience can be pushed to new limits. Times when I just need a break. Times when I say things I wish I hadn't said. Times when no amount of gentle discipline can tame the savage preschooler. Times when I have worked all day at my job, worked all evening at home and all I want is an easy bedtime. Times when I have dealt with one tantrum too many. Times when I am so tired of repeating the same rules day in and day out. Times when mommy isn't her best and the kids aren't either.
Don't get me wrong; those times are the exception rather than the rule. I wrote before about how I have made the choice not to spank my kids and I stick by that rule. But that doesn't mean I don't lose my temper and flip out sometimes. And those times are the ones I will not treasure. Those times when I watch my beautiful children turn into crazy people. Those times when my daughter says I don't like her anymore because I punished her or when my son tells me to shut up. The times when I have to follow through on taking away a privilege because my kids didn't follow the rules. The times when I agonize over every decision, convinced that I am ruining my children. The times I cry myself to sleep because I am worried that I hurt my baby's feelings. Those times I will not treasure.
I will never forget holding my babies, watching them breathe, feeling their soft soft skin. I will never forget their births, their birthdays, their birthday cakes, their birthday wishes. I will always remember their innocence and sweetness. I will forever love memories that we make together, but I will not beat myself up over the fact that it isn't all rainbows and lollipops. I work extremely hard to raise my children to be self-sufficient, independent, conscientious, courteous and kind. That doesn't come without its' fair share of bumps and bruises along the way. So don't feel bad if, like me, you need to vent every once in a while. If you need time away, time alone. Just because you don't treasure EVERY moment doesn't mean you don't absolutely adore all the good ones. After all, parenting is only hard if you're doing it right.
Parenting is hard. Mind-numbingly, bone-wearying exhaustingly hard. Not always, mind you. Sometimes it is the most joyous, easy going lovely thing I have ever done. Those moments when Stella brings me wildflowers she has picked or when Roy just wants to kiss me over and over are the moments I live for. There is absolutely nothing like it and nothing in my life has ever been as satisfying and rewarding until I became a mommy. Not that my life wasn't good before, but mommyhood brought things to a new level of awesome.
But there are times...
Times when my patience can be pushed to new limits. Times when I just need a break. Times when I say things I wish I hadn't said. Times when no amount of gentle discipline can tame the savage preschooler. Times when I have worked all day at my job, worked all evening at home and all I want is an easy bedtime. Times when I have dealt with one tantrum too many. Times when I am so tired of repeating the same rules day in and day out. Times when mommy isn't her best and the kids aren't either.
Don't get me wrong; those times are the exception rather than the rule. I wrote before about how I have made the choice not to spank my kids and I stick by that rule. But that doesn't mean I don't lose my temper and flip out sometimes. And those times are the ones I will not treasure. Those times when I watch my beautiful children turn into crazy people. Those times when my daughter says I don't like her anymore because I punished her or when my son tells me to shut up. The times when I have to follow through on taking away a privilege because my kids didn't follow the rules. The times when I agonize over every decision, convinced that I am ruining my children. The times I cry myself to sleep because I am worried that I hurt my baby's feelings. Those times I will not treasure.
I will never forget holding my babies, watching them breathe, feeling their soft soft skin. I will never forget their births, their birthdays, their birthday cakes, their birthday wishes. I will always remember their innocence and sweetness. I will forever love memories that we make together, but I will not beat myself up over the fact that it isn't all rainbows and lollipops. I work extremely hard to raise my children to be self-sufficient, independent, conscientious, courteous and kind. That doesn't come without its' fair share of bumps and bruises along the way. So don't feel bad if, like me, you need to vent every once in a while. If you need time away, time alone. Just because you don't treasure EVERY moment doesn't mean you don't absolutely adore all the good ones. After all, parenting is only hard if you're doing it right.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Hard-workin' man
I am blessed to have one of those husbands who can fix anything. He is super mechanically inclined, tech-savvy and can teach himself how to do any type of project that he is interested in. Several years ago he completely re-did our kitchen- and I mean completely. He ripped out everything down to the beams in the floor (yep, we could look directly into our basement from the kitchen), cut a hole in the wall to add a bar, closed up the old door, put in french doors, MADE concrete countertops, rebuilt the floor with slate tiles...you get the idea. That kitchen is amazing. The most amazing thing is that he had not done any of those projects before. Ever. He taught himself how to do all of it and if you have seen my kitchen, you know that shit is tight, yo! He is an appliance repair tech by trade and has been with the same company for about 8 years now and has a very loyal client following. He has also always done work on the side for friends, and built up a reputation among local restaurants and salons as the go -to guy for their appliance needs. Dude works hard.
It has been a dream of his for a long time to work for himself. Recently he got his own business started, in addition to continuing his full time job. He also has been doing appliance contract work for a friend, so he has been working THREE jobs. Starting early in the morning before his regular job and working late at night after. We haven't spent much time together because he has been so flipping busy, but I understand. I appreciate all the work that he is doing because he is doing it for us, his family. He has been working hard to put away money, build a solid clientele and lay the proper groundwork so that when he is on his own we won't have to take a financial hit while things get started. I am so in awe of his work ethic, his dedication.
He finally put in his 2 weeks notice this week. SCARY! But exciting. I know that this is this is the right move for him and for our family. I am so proud of him for making this decision and I am really happy that we will bet to see him more than a few minutes a day :) Throughout all of this he has made sure that the time he has been around has been spent snuggling and reading with the kids, encouraging me on my new projects and endeavors and basically making sure we know how much he loves us. He and I were able to get away for a quick 24 hour trip away Friday and that brief respite has recharged us both :) I love to shout that man's praises from the rooftops! Thanks babe, for all that you do.
It has been a dream of his for a long time to work for himself. Recently he got his own business started, in addition to continuing his full time job. He also has been doing appliance contract work for a friend, so he has been working THREE jobs. Starting early in the morning before his regular job and working late at night after. We haven't spent much time together because he has been so flipping busy, but I understand. I appreciate all the work that he is doing because he is doing it for us, his family. He has been working hard to put away money, build a solid clientele and lay the proper groundwork so that when he is on his own we won't have to take a financial hit while things get started. I am so in awe of his work ethic, his dedication.
He finally put in his 2 weeks notice this week. SCARY! But exciting. I know that this is this is the right move for him and for our family. I am so proud of him for making this decision and I am really happy that we will bet to see him more than a few minutes a day :) Throughout all of this he has made sure that the time he has been around has been spent snuggling and reading with the kids, encouraging me on my new projects and endeavors and basically making sure we know how much he loves us. He and I were able to get away for a quick 24 hour trip away Friday and that brief respite has recharged us both :) I love to shout that man's praises from the rooftops! Thanks babe, for all that you do.
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